Worldly Convictions

I've been asking myself a question...What would I be willing to give up for something I wanted most in life? The answer would be everything and anything, right? Then why haven't I given it all up yet?

I would like to think of myself as not being a materialistic person. I would choose people over any item or accomplishment I could gain, I don't feel the need to wear make-up all the time, I wear dorky glasses, I love thrifting and being crafty...but as I take a closer look at my life...at my stuff, I see a closet full of clothes that I am proud to own, and the newest shampoo for my unruly hair, and pieces of art that I've worked hard on and would be hesitant to give away.

I see things, a lot of things. I see pride, a lot of pride.

While I was in Kenya, I survived out of two suitcases and a backpack. That's it! I mean, I did go shopping, and borrow other clothes from friends, but for the most part, I had not even half of what I have here in the States.

I came home ready to throw everything away (well, give them away to people who are in need). Yet, when I arrived back home, I am sad to say how quickly I got right back into the swing of things. I was materialistic, bored when I had the same meal two nights in a row, self-conscious, conceited, and more concerned with my appearance than I ever had been before in my life.

In Kenya, I would go days with out showering and wearing make-up. We ate 4 pieces of bread every morning for breakfast and could guarantee we would be eating rice and beans at least once a day. I got creative with the outfits I wore...and yes, I even repeated outfits daily sometimes haha.

Another thing I noticed was that in Kenya, I felt more dependent on God. In America, what do I really go without? And what do I ever have to give up in order to be a Christian? I mean, I don't have to give up my material objects, I don't have to give up my rights & freedoms, I don't have to really change much. In order to live a Christ-honoring life, I should be at least willing to give those things up though. Sometimes I might lose a friend, or feel awkward, or uncomfortable when I take a stand for Christ, but there are literally people who are rejected by their families and being killed for their faith daily in other parts of the world. It is comfortable to be a Christian in America. Relatively speaking.

Comfort...I am beginning to see comfort as my number one enemy these days.

My comfort has cause me to complacent and mundane in my daily walk. It has cause me to be lackadaisical about life and desensitized to my surroundings. It has made me selfish.

Even though I am frustrated by myself, I do take comfort that the Holy Spirit continues to convict me of my ways and keep me striving towards righteousness.

Philippians 3:7 But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. 8 Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— 10 that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.

12 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. 13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 15 Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you.16 Only let us hold true to what we have attained.

I also know that although I complained about some things while I was in Kenya, I would not give up anything about that experience. I think that everything happens for a reason. I definitely wouldn't go back in time and fix the water heaters, pave the road to campus, buy more bug spray, erase the scars on my legs, or bring more clothes. I might add some more fruit and veggies to the diet we ate throughout the week though haha. Fruits and veggies never hurt anyone right? Or is even that being a selfish American with high standards?

I honestly see the ways in which I live and view life are sometimes wrong...I know there are flaws in my worldview. It makes me sick...sometimes I feel like the only way I'll be content again is if I live in a hut in Africa and am forced to be content with everything I have and rely on God for everything. Because how else can I, in this fleshly body of mine, choose the right thing, or have the right response to every circumstance or experience in my life. How can I be politically correct and always sensitive to diversity? How can I truly worship God for being my provider, when it is so easy to give myself the credit for every object and achievement in my life?

God himself says in John chapter 15:5, "...apart from me you can do nothing."

He must increase, I must decrease -John 3:30

RIP?

Rest in Peace. A phrase I've heard often and seem to be hearing more frequently. This phrase has always seemed odd and impersonal to me but I have said it many times despite the images of grave yards and Halloween that it evokes in my mind.

Most people living in America have heard this phrase before and have most likely said it or written it in a sympathy card or in a Facebook status memorializing a lost loved one. It is just one of those things you do.

Many Christians say this phrase a lot as well...and as a Christian, and one who enjoys questioning things like this, I started thinking about death and what that means for me as a believer.

Paul says in Philippians that 'to live is Christ, and to die is gain.' Why in the world would I want someone to wish me rest after I die? I won't be resting, I will be praising God in heaven with all the saints who have gone before me and will come after.

I understand when people say "May you rest in His loving arms," but it really leaves me with an uneasy feelings. When I imagine eternity, I don't imagine resting...I imagine eternally worshiping the Lord and being in His holy presence.

Maybe that looks like resting...who knows...but I think that it will look like singing and dancing and falling on my face before the most Holy God and being in perfect community and fellowship with the saints.

So when I die...and I know I will one day...don't wish me rest, don't stand around crying, or spend your days wishing I were here on earth with you (because who would want to live without me?? yes, that is sarcastic...) Instead, celebrate with me, praise with me, and dance with me in spirit. Praise the Lord for his grace and mercy and goodness and never ending, perfect love.

I would never want my death to be a time of sadness...because for me, to die is gain!!

P.T.L. (Praise The Lord)

What do I even know?

For the first time in my life, I do not have a plan. Or a good one at least.

I don't know what I want to do with my life.

Do I want to be a teacher?
Do I want to live in America?
Do I want to finish college?

I know that I want to love people and share Jesus with them and fight for justice.
I know that I love Kenya and have a heart for Africa and want to live there.
I know I am going to finish college.

In all seriousness though, who cares what I want to do with my life?

Jesus has a plan for my life.
Jesus knows my every "next step."
Jesus will have his way, even if it's not my way.

Praise the Lord!! Because my plans never seem to be what's best anyways.

In the meantime, I am asking Him to give me contentment in where He has me now and a heart overwhelmed with joy at the opportunity to serve Him while I am at Trinity, and while I am in my education classes that are not really my favorite....

Side-note: Today I learned in my ED classes that "textbooks suck" and "no one reads the ridiculous graphs on the ISAT tests anyways."

Those two sentiments gave me (a very discouraged ED major) quite the comic relief in my ever so seemingly stressful day of classes.

Matters of the Heart

I haven't blogged in quite some time and these are a few things laying heavy on my heart:

What is the number one thing I took from my trip to Kenya in a spiritual sense?

That I fail. Every single day, I fail. BUT, when I am not giving God the 100% He deserves, He is still giving me the 100% I don't.

He continually blessed me and was faithful to me in my darkest points when I felt farthest from Him and ashamed to even speak His name. Thankfully, He picked me up and whipped me back into shape. I know now that looking back I could have done better. I could have prayed more, gave more, praised more...but I also know that God forgives and gives second chances, and millionth chances, and that His mercies are new every day.

His love seriously freaks me out! In a good way...I mean I get a weird, nervous feelings when I think about getting married one day...that someone could love me so much they would want to spend the rest of their life with me! Like for real? You wanna put up with me? You are promising to sick with me through the bad, the poor, the ugly, the mean and the everything that could go wrong? Well, God does that and He is promising us eternity! SO CRAZY, BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING!

Another thing on my heart is this:

I have been crazy emotional lately about my friends and people that God has placed in my life...some for a while and others for shorter amounts of time. I hate goodbyes, I hate see you laters, I hate leaving. I have a feeling that those things are going to be an ever increasing theme in my life though. And I have been coming to grips with that.

I have decided that it is OK. God has a purpose and timing for everything. Even people in your life.

It hit me hardest this past Sunday as I worshiped in a church I had never worshiped in before with 2 dear friends of mine on my right and left. Those 2 friends of mine were ones I went to Kenya with and had not seen for 3 months. I was so happy to be reunited with them but also saddened that I do not get to see them more often.

As we all cried out to the Lord in worship, I could not help but actually physically cry. I was crying for a few reasons: First, the thought of being in heaven and worshiping the Lord with a bunch of people who I did not know on Earth, but that I know lived a life for Christ's kingdom just makes my heart sing. Second, I cried with relief & comfort in my heart knowing that although my life may be filled with goodbyes and see you laters and leaving, that I can count on seeing those friends and family again in heaven as we praise together for eternity. And that my friends, is a beautiful image. It reminds me of Christ being reunited with His church and that gives me even bigger goose bumps. I cannot wait for the day I am wrapped in my Savior's arms.

One last thing:

What breaks my heart? There is a line in a song that I have always loved...it goes like this:

"Break my heart for what breaks yours" -Hosanna by Hillsong United

I always took that merely as: orphans, widows, sick, hungry, poor, the dying and the destitute.

Although those words still resonate with my heart as I sing those lyrics, lately the Lord has convicted me of another interpretation: Sin. Lord, break my heart over the sin in my life. I know that it breaks your heart and that I can do nothing for you or the sick or the poor if I continue to live in my sinful ways.

Last but not least...This summer I heard a song I had never heard before at a local summer camp. It is called "Oh God" by Citizens:

In the valley, Oh God, you’re near 
In the quiet, Oh God, you’re near 
In the shadow, Oh God, you’re near 
At my breaking, Oh God, you’re near 

Oh God, you never leave my side 
Your love will stand firm for all my life 

In my searching, Oh God, you’re near 
In my wandering, Oh God, you’re near 
When I feel alone, Oh God, you’re near 
At my lowest, Oh God, you’re near 

Height nor depth nor anything else 
Could pull us apart 
We are joined as one by your blood 
Hope will rise as we become more 
Than conquerors through 
The one who loved the world

Prayer Warriors

Prayer Warrior:

Prayer Warrior is a term used by many evangelical and other Protestant Christians to refer to anyone who is committed to praying for others.

A prayer warrior is a person who dedicates a lot of his or her time to making intercessory prayers on behalf of others. 

A prayer warrior is someone who earnestly lifts others in prayer. 

Today as I walked out of worship service, I tried to quickly dodge the people in my path and make it to the bathroom. Someone locked eyes with me and I knew I was about to have to hold it. I had never seen this woman before and still have no idea who she is, but I do know that she is a prayer warrior! She asked me how I was doing after being home from Kenya. I was shocked! She remembered me from 4 months ago standing in front of church as they sent me off? Why haven't I seen her before? What is her name? I told her a little about my trip and she was such an intentional listener.- the best gift you can give to anyone coming home from a life-changing trip. She then told me that she had been praying for me every day since I left and that she will continue to pray for me as I figure out God's plans for my life.

WHAT? ARE YOU FOR REAL? You have been praying to God for ME? EVERY DAY?
I said a sincere thank you and she released me to scurry off to the ladies room.

She is not the only one. Another man and his family at church have told me that they also pray for me daily.

And a few years ago, at a different church, a woman (again who I have no clue who she is to this day) came up to me and told me that she had been praying for me daily regarding my broken leg and continued healing! You mean the leg I broke in 6th grade before anyone even knew me at this church? You mean the leg that I completely forget about most days?

These people must be crazy! To pray for someone they hardly know, about something that the person doesn't even pray for daily. The truth is, these people ARE crazy! Crazy in love with a God who answers prayers and they truly believe that and obviously take advantage of it in a way I only strive to do!

If my prayer life was a sliver of these warrior's, that would mean that I actually prayed on a daily basis...and let's be honest...sadly, sometimes I don't. I think we have all been there, done that, at some point. The truth is that I have no excuse though.

What I take from these prayer warriors is conviction and motivation to do better. To pray. Daily. For others. Giving thanks. Worshiping.

I have great joy in saying that I know that others are talking to God on my behalf (even when I'm not) and that when I am not giving God my very best, He is always still giving me His. Even when I feel far from Him, or 'stuck in a rut,' God continues to shower me with blessings. Even if I don't see them at the time.

Praise God for prayer warriors. Praise God that He even gives us the opportunity to talk to Him daily. Praise God that we can have a relationship with Him. Praise God we can lift up others in prayer.

We are truly blessed.

Popsicles

 I tried another new recipe! I call them Pina Colada Pops.

Ingredients:
1 cup pineapple juice
1 cup coconut milk
1 banana
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 lime juiced

Directions:
Blend all ingredients in a mixer until liquefied and then pour into Popsicle molds and freeze. ENJOY :)

They were described as "my new crack."

Where Feet May Fail

Last night I went to see Hillsong United with some friends from church and school. It was a spiritual experience to say the least. Hillsong recently put out a new album titled Zion. I was shocked by it at first because most of the songs have such a different flare to them than I am used to but as I continued to listen to it in preparation for this concert, I started loving it more and more!

My favorite moment from the night was the song Oceans (Where Feet May Fail). The lyrics really speak to my heart and the ways I feel God calling me to do some crazy things that I need to completely trust in Him to accomplish. It is by far my favorite song from the new CD and the girl who sings it killed it last night! "Killed it" as in she did good...

Worship concerts never cease to amaze me. They always feel like a little slice of eternity and really refresh me and get me excited about worshiping the Lord. I also felt like God is continuously tugging on my heart and calling me to go abroad and this feeling was reaffirmed last night.

It was also cool to hear Hillsong play some of their old classics and really hear them in a new way. I can't tell you how many times I've sang Hosanna, or Mighty to Save, but last night, they felt different to me. Almost like brand new! That is how worship should be! Never mundane or boring or "old." God calls us to bring Him our best and we should always approach the throne with fresh enthusiasm to worship the King.

I had so much fun worshiping with my friends at this concert and can't wait to start incorporating some of these new worship songs into the services I help lead.

Novocaine

Today coming home from the dentist after a very intense Novocaine shot:
Me-Mom your sunglasses are funny you look like you're from the future.
Mom-...
Me-Who's that guy from the future? You know the one who goes back and has the car? Michael J Fox?
Mom- Yeah Michael J Fox!
Me- I thought he was black? Who is that fox who is black?
Mom- Jamie Fox?
Me- Yeah! Jamie Fox!
*laughs uncontrollably*

Every time I go to the dentist I have a bad reaction to the shots they give me. Usually it's because I have a strange reaction to the epinephrine in the Novocaine but today they gave me a shot without epinephrine. I was numb from left right ear to my left nostril and as silly as ever. I laugh like a mad woman, I cry, my face contorts, and I seem to loose all mental filters.

Who knew my lip could move like that?

If you ever need a pick me up, just ask to take me to the dentist. It ends well every time. Without fail.

Dread 1, Dread 2

First semester this past school year I decided I wanted a dread. I was feeling inspired by my friend Gina who has a kickin dread and also feeling bored and spontaneous. I proceeded to Google how to make dread and gave myself one measly dread on the back of my head. I was quite a fan of it. I gave it a cute little bead, but sadly it unraveled in a few days because my conditioner was just too good at it's job.

Second semester I spent in Kenya and due to lack of American conditioner for mzungu (Caucasian) hair and the more than occasional lack of water plus the neglect on my part to brush my hair all semester added onto the fact that I took the quickest cold showers ever, I grew a neglect dread on the back of my head...on accident! One day I was trying to brush through my hair with my fingers and I found him chilling back there all alone. I was kind of happy since my other dread did not work out earlier that year.

I let him continue to mat and by the time I came home I had a pretty solid dread formed. I even put a bead back on it. Then disaster struck. It was dreading so well that it began dreading to itself and getting really stubby and fat. I could not even pull it up into a pony tail anymore. As my friend Bev from Kenya would say, *sob sob.*

Yesterday night I mustered up the guts to have my mom cut it off for me. Although I now have a goofy patch of short hair at the back of my head, I think that is much better than the knotted mess that used to be my dread...

RIP dread

I mustache you a question.

I don't normally explore the cosmos but when I do eye brows. 

Reading List

This is an on-going list of books I am/ plan on reading:

1] My Utmost for His Highest-daily devotional book (Oswald Chambers)
2] Worship on Earth as it is in Heaven (Rory Noland)
3] Worship Matters (Bob Kauflin)
4] The Prodigal God (Timothy Keller)
5] Mountains Beyond Mountains (Tracy Kidder)
6] Skinny B*tch (Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin)
7] Girls Gone Wise (Mary Kassian)
8] The Geography of Bliss (Eric Weiner)
9] Things We Couldn't Say (Diet Eman)

Hopefully I will continue to add to this list through out the summer and also cross a few off :)

Coolest Love Package Ever!

Ladies and Gents, I'd like to introduce you to someone very dear to my heart...drum roll please...Miss Leah Laky! Last semester Leah and I went on the trip of a lifetime to study abroad in Kenya together. Today, I received a love package from her! It's like a care package...but more love.

It included:

• A beautifully decorated envelope informing me that this is my super belated birthday present.
• A folder with all my sheet music in it! Which I thought I left in Kenya! What a sweet surprise!
• A heart felt and much needed note from my friend Leah lined with tea bag labels. That's right, tea bag labels! Could this girl get any more cute and creative??
• Some hand written note cards with Bible verses and quotes on them. Only my favorite things ever!
• A free app for my new iphone :) whoop whoop 
• A gift card to one of my favorite restaruants, Granite City! This is for me and Aubrie (another Kenya friend) to share when she is in Chi-town doing her internship this summer! A doublely awesome gift!
• A beautiful pink scarf with bright butterflies on it! Scarves are my number one accessory!! :) 
• And last but not least, two of the most beautiful and unique pairs of earrings ever! I quite admire Leah's taste in earring fashion and she picked me out some good ones. How did she know frogs are one of my favorite animals?? That girl is amazing!!!

Leah is one of the kindest people I know. She always puts others before herself. She is an amazing woman of God, a incredibly talented musician, and a great friend. Leah listens when no one else will and has great knowledge and advice far beyond her years. She is so wise and I am so grateful to know her and look up to her a lot. I miss being with her every day, and will miss seeing her at Trinity, but I know God has great things in store for her as she embarks on this new chapter of life after college. I love you Leah!!!! & I cannot thank you enough for this awesome gift. 

Leah, myself, and Aubrie in Kenya 

She is seriously awesome! Look at that love package!

Homemade Lara Bars and Thai Quinoa Salad

Homemade Lara Bars
Ingredients 

• 2½ cups medjool dates, pitted
• ¾ cup almonds, toasted
• ¾ cups hazelnuts, toasted
• 1 tbsp cocoa powder
• ¼ bar dark chocolate, finely chopped (optional)
• 1 tsp cinnamon (optional) 

Directions:
First, I toasted the nuts on the stove with a tbsp of butter until they were fully warm and had a golden look to them. Next, in a food processor, I blended the nuts into a coarse powder. I then put the nut mixture into a bowl set aside. Then I blended the pitted dates in the food processor into a thick paste. I added that to the bowl, along with the tbsp of cocoa powder, dark chocolate, and cinnamon. I choose to use an organic dark chocolate from Trader Joe's that had nuts and rasins in it already for some added flavor. You can use whatever kind of dark chocolate you would like. You can also add dried cherries to the date mixture to add some flavor variety. I then mixed all the ingredients together with my hands (it was much easier than the spoon and I was able to really mix the ingredients evenly). After the mixture is combined well, place some parchment or wax paper in a dish and spread out the mixture. Refrigerate, cut,  and serve. These are a hearty snack for hiking, or just a filling and  healthy chocolaty treat. 

Thai Quinoa Salad

Ingrediants

• 1 cup quinoa, cooked
• 1 lrg red bell pepper, chopped
• 1 cup red cabbage, shredded
• 2 carrots, shredded
• 1/2 cup shelled edamame
• 1/2 cup green onions, diced
• 1/2 cup cilantro
• 2 heaping tbsp Peanut Butter 
• 1/3 cup reduced sodium soy sauce
• 1 tbsp sesame oil
• 1 tbsp rice vinegar (or a light white wine vinegar)
• 1 tsp fresh grated ginger (optional)
• 2 tbsp honey
• 2 cloves garlic, minced (optional)
• Juice from 1 lime

Directions: First, make the quinoa. Quinoa is very easy to make: for every cup of quinoa, use 2 cups of water. Bring it to a boil, then bring it down to a simmer. Cover and let simmer for 10-15 or until the quinoa has soaked up all the water. Then set aside to cool completely. While the quinoa is cooling, prepare your veggies and sauce. Put all the veggies into a bowl. I used kitchen scissors to make cutting the green onion and cilantro into the bowl easier. I also did not measure out my veggies, I just sort of guesstimated how much I should use. For the edamame, I bought a steam fresh frozen package, cooked it in the microwave and then shelled it into the bowl after it had cooled. If you don't have a carrot shredder, I think you can buy them pre-shredded at the store, or just finely chop them. I used pre-shredded red cabbage from the store as well. For the sauce, I combined the peanut butter, soy sauce, oil, vinegar, honey, lime and some garlic salt (I forgot to buy garlic and also did not add the ginger). Then I whisked it into a thick sauce. (It does not taste very good on it's own). Once the quinoa was cooled, I added that to my veggie mixture and then scooped most of the sauce into the bowl and mixed it together. Voilà! Yummy, hearty, healthy, Thai inspired, quinoa salad :) It is great with some grilled chicken added as well if you wish!