Matters of the Heart

I haven't blogged in quite some time and these are a few things laying heavy on my heart:

What is the number one thing I took from my trip to Kenya in a spiritual sense?

That I fail. Every single day, I fail. BUT, when I am not giving God the 100% He deserves, He is still giving me the 100% I don't.

He continually blessed me and was faithful to me in my darkest points when I felt farthest from Him and ashamed to even speak His name. Thankfully, He picked me up and whipped me back into shape. I know now that looking back I could have done better. I could have prayed more, gave more, praised more...but I also know that God forgives and gives second chances, and millionth chances, and that His mercies are new every day.

His love seriously freaks me out! In a good way...I mean I get a weird, nervous feelings when I think about getting married one day...that someone could love me so much they would want to spend the rest of their life with me! Like for real? You wanna put up with me? You are promising to sick with me through the bad, the poor, the ugly, the mean and the everything that could go wrong? Well, God does that and He is promising us eternity! SO CRAZY, BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING!

Another thing on my heart is this:

I have been crazy emotional lately about my friends and people that God has placed in my life...some for a while and others for shorter amounts of time. I hate goodbyes, I hate see you laters, I hate leaving. I have a feeling that those things are going to be an ever increasing theme in my life though. And I have been coming to grips with that.

I have decided that it is OK. God has a purpose and timing for everything. Even people in your life.

It hit me hardest this past Sunday as I worshiped in a church I had never worshiped in before with 2 dear friends of mine on my right and left. Those 2 friends of mine were ones I went to Kenya with and had not seen for 3 months. I was so happy to be reunited with them but also saddened that I do not get to see them more often.

As we all cried out to the Lord in worship, I could not help but actually physically cry. I was crying for a few reasons: First, the thought of being in heaven and worshiping the Lord with a bunch of people who I did not know on Earth, but that I know lived a life for Christ's kingdom just makes my heart sing. Second, I cried with relief & comfort in my heart knowing that although my life may be filled with goodbyes and see you laters and leaving, that I can count on seeing those friends and family again in heaven as we praise together for eternity. And that my friends, is a beautiful image. It reminds me of Christ being reunited with His church and that gives me even bigger goose bumps. I cannot wait for the day I am wrapped in my Savior's arms.

One last thing:

What breaks my heart? There is a line in a song that I have always loved...it goes like this:

"Break my heart for what breaks yours" -Hosanna by Hillsong United

I always took that merely as: orphans, widows, sick, hungry, poor, the dying and the destitute.

Although those words still resonate with my heart as I sing those lyrics, lately the Lord has convicted me of another interpretation: Sin. Lord, break my heart over the sin in my life. I know that it breaks your heart and that I can do nothing for you or the sick or the poor if I continue to live in my sinful ways.

Last but not least...This summer I heard a song I had never heard before at a local summer camp. It is called "Oh God" by Citizens:

In the valley, Oh God, you’re near 
In the quiet, Oh God, you’re near 
In the shadow, Oh God, you’re near 
At my breaking, Oh God, you’re near 

Oh God, you never leave my side 
Your love will stand firm for all my life 

In my searching, Oh God, you’re near 
In my wandering, Oh God, you’re near 
When I feel alone, Oh God, you’re near 
At my lowest, Oh God, you’re near 

Height nor depth nor anything else 
Could pull us apart 
We are joined as one by your blood 
Hope will rise as we become more 
Than conquerors through 
The one who loved the world